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The 5 People (possibly?) Fallacy

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

A Closer Look at the “5 People You Hang With” Thing

The saying is that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and I’m hearing it often.  But I’m not quite comfortable with it—I get a little squirm of doubt and unease every time it’s repeated. While I see the validity of the statement—bad company does indeed corrupt, and good company certainly is a welcome and a needed influence (eating out with people who order steak and salad instead of burgers and fries, and who always look on the bright side, like my sister-in-law Liz) there is still a little squirm of unease and discomfort with the “5 people” mantra, and here are my thoughts and questions about it:

  1.  I’m not a statistic.
  2. I’m not an average.
  3. I am meant to overcome evil (or whatever undesirable influence) with good, not the opposite.
  4. I am not seeing anything in Scripture that says I’m to ditch my family and friends when they aren’t of use/benefit to me.
  5. This sounds like bravery, but is it?  Wouldn’t real bravery speak up when needed, or do the opposite of the crowd when wisdom so dictates?
  6. If I can see the problem, aren’t I called to be a good example by not joining in?
  7. Wouldn’t praying in love and faith be simpler and more beneficial for all parties than simply seeking a new circle?
  8. Can’t God be trusted to bring those new relationships into my life, even as He can be trusted to lead me with the current ones?
  9. Am I trying to escape something/someone I need to face, and thereby grow in freedom and grace?
  10. Could it be that I’m not the marvel my imagined new circle will welcome with open arms?

This statement, I believe, has value when you’re trying to get free from parasites/addicts—when your life actually depends on leaving a circle of death.  But for your family and friends, maybe you’re just meant to be the voice of reason, the doer of the beautiful, the example, the prayer warrior.  Or maybe you’re in a situation like mine has been lately—I am meant to allow the relationship to be so covered with grace, that my flesh has to shut up, that I have no alternative to doing the only thing that ever really changes things:  Trust God.

And here’s another maybe:  maybe you’re meant to be like Pastor Mark Hankins’ mama, who when the talk got negative said, “Let’s talk about Jesus.”  If that didn’t do the trick, she began singing the song, “Let’s talk about Jesus.”  Eventually people get the message—even the one in the mirror.

The Big Trap!

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

Don’t Label Your Narcissist

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

There’s a ton of good stuff out there about narcissism, but let’s be like good parents dealing with trying children.  Just say “No.” Good parenting is not enabling destructive behavior.  Enabling is easy, like any sin.  You just bow to the sin. 

Years ago I got enough of a narcissist in my life and when I crossed this person they came at me, fists clenched.  I stood my ground.  “Go ahead,” I said.  “Hit me.”  That stopped them.  I then said, “Nothing I ever do is right.  Nothing I do is good enough.”

In other words, I stopped performing, stopped being manipulated, stopped responding.

The most unkind thing we can do to a  narcissist is dance to their tune.  We, as the more “well” person in the relationship, are called to put on a new song.  They can learn to sing along, or they can get along.

Someone, telling me about someone else being mad, as though that was important, was happily surprised when I said, “He can get glad in the same clothes he got mad in.”  I have to not care.  I have to be healed, set free, even delivered of the  need to please, to keep the peace. 

It seems to me that narcissistic adults are, just like brat two-year-olds, begging for someone to draw some boundaries, help them learn to behave and therefore get along in this life. 

But labels—no.  Once you decide your mom, mate, boss, friend, or pastor is a narcissist, you will see everything they think, do and say through that lens.  YOU ARE JUDGING AND WHAT YOU JUDGE WILL, IN SOME FORM OR FASHION, COME ON YOU.  You will see them as fatally flawed, and just someone to leave in the dust.  You will stop praying for them, stop letting God have say-so, and lose all your power.

So examine the relationship.  Where have you enabled?  When have you bowed to their nonsense because you’re afraid of a bit of conflict? 

Isn’t it disgusting when you see moms asking permission from a toddler  for the day’s activity?  And when she tries to give him whatever he wants to stop the whining, does he stop?  No, he whines all the more, and eventually starts yelling and screaming.  He’s absolutely begging for some non-negotiable boundaries, for someone he can trust to help him be a better person. 

Well, you can’t spank your neighbor, or your mate, right?  No, but you can get to the end of your rope, stop trying the tired things you’ve been trying for ever, and that have never and will never work.

Oh, you wanna back up to that spanking part?  You want to so self-righteously tell me you don’t believe in “hitting” your child.  Well, if you think spanking is hitting, you definitely should not spank, but that’s for another time.    

So, don’t call your kid a brat, don’t call your mate a narcissist.  Call yourself brave and wise and finished with the nonsense.

And remember this:  We often see in others what we dislike in ourselves.  Yes, that gal in the mirror may be a work in progress as well.  Let’s just all get out of God’s way, and get in His ways.  Can I get an Amen?  Amen!

Talking to myself today, because when I start listening to too much YouTube  and getting all  brilliant about everyone else’s issues, I can really get all up in God’s business, and forget all about love and forgiveness, and walking in all the fruits of the Spiritl. INSTEAD I just get miserable, mad, and pathetic.  Like a two-year-old or a narcissist who needs the “gift of No” and maybe a nap. (I HEARD ABOUT THE GIFT OF NO FROM TIM HAWKINS.)

Think of that when that person is being impossible.  What’s really going on?  What do they really need from you?  It’s not enabling, that much is for sure. 

But it’s also not getting all in the flesh because you’re the latest expert on narcissism and you’re going to tell them off right this minute.  Pray and wait.  God really wants to help us all, deliver us all, set us all free to enjoy each other.

This will help:  Think of a new label, and make it one you want TO SEE BECOME REALITY.  Your two-year-old, because of your excellent training, is “a fine young man”, for instance.  Your drama queen teenager is a “deep and good-hearted woman IN THE MAKING”, your know-it-all grouch husband is a “Dearly Beloved Child of God.”

Someone in my house called someone else in my house “such an ass” and I said, “Do not call my child names.”  So, how about we just, as I said in the beginning of this diatribe, stop with the labeling.  It doesn’t help at all.  It harms. STOP WITH THE FINGER POINTING, AND PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER AND LIFT YOUR EYES—GETTING THEM OFF NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR AND ON THE HEALING LOVE OF JESUS.

Curses and Healing — Hannah’s Story

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If you’re human, you’re likely putting up with things that need a big “NO!” Please listen to Hannah’s story, and take a moment to ponder and contemplate:

Husbands are not the sum of their faults.

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Old Bag is My Purse, not My Person.

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

It’s always some super chic 20-something who says, “I love your bag,” or “That’s some fine looking leather,” or, “Where did you find your purse?”

“Thanks,” I always say with real gratitude. “I got it at the Pioneer Woman Mercantile in Pawhuska, Oklahoma.” I love the word Pawhuska, and say it right: Puh HUSS ka, and with a bit of a drawl. And so the conversation begins with a lovely young woman and I am reminded that it’s a lie that the youngsters don’t like the oldsters, that ageism should even be a word, much a less something I worry about.

Of course it exists, but life is soooo way too short to be taking note of those with so little wisdom that they don’t recognize mine. Of course those complimenary and pleasant young women may be the exception rather than the norm. But don’t I prefer an exception-al life to a norm-al (offended) life?

Absolutely! I am not getting, or losing, my joy because someone somewhere thinks I’m past it. That’s because even though my wrinkles say otherwise, I am so much younger than I was when I was 20-something (when I was always spouting off something I later regretted). On the outside I may look like my purse–in need of a little spit and polish. But inside I get younger every single day.

Why not join me?

The Third 3rd Day Meeting–Tomorrow at 3:00!

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15 IS YOUR CHANCE TO JOIN IN VIA ZOOM! 3:00 MTN.

Tomorrow’s the day!  At 3:00 p.m. Mountain Time join our little group via Zoom:  

https://us05web.zoom.us/j/82224451524?pwd=NmK5aCuaiu5JHX68JMFiyeCYsnkesh.1

I am learning how to go about this, so bear with me, and we’ll figure it out.  Please join in if you have any interest in writing anything!  

I’ll be sharing a bit from my experience two weeks ago at the Northwest Christian Writer’s Conference (best conference EVER), and how a little child can lead you in your writing journey.

I’ll also ask you to be thinking of sharing from books that impacted you as a child–this in the June 3rd Day meeting, which will be June 19.  We do hope you can join in!

Can’t I Just Write?

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment
Uncomplicating Your Writing

Uncomplicating Your Writing

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

My daughter just made homemade bread and added herbed butter and garlic, and served it to me with love. This, Dear Reader, is REAL bread. If we compare the practically spiritual experience of deeply enjoying such bread, to consuming a piece of fluorescent white stuff baked in a factory last week, we can see that making things complicated, expensive, difficult, and FAKE is not the way.

Perhaps I could liken this to writing. When we forget about the joy of simply writing a story, and attempt jumping through the publishing world’s hoops, things can get complicated. It begins to seem as though every time we try to write a bit, there are little gremlins gnawing at our ankles. They’re growling, hissing, whispering and snidely saying the likes of: What about the meaning of your story; what if it’s all a waste of time; you know you don’t know much of anything about anything you’re writing . . . Oh, and have you forgotten about the requisite social media following?

If you’re not having fun yet, consider with me the following requirements from a writer’s conference regarding pitching a novel:

  1. Effective Hook
  2. Describe Book
    1. Title, genre, word count
    2. Protagonist/Main Characters
    3. Setting
    4. Plot
    5. Tone/Feel
  3. How is the novel unique?
  4. How does the book fit into the marketplace-research cited?
  5. Marketing Plan
    1. The size of the writer’s social media platform
    2. Blog/Website promoting book with size of following
    3. Podcast or YouTube channel, number of followers
    4. Email list/number of contacts
    5. Plan for guest posting on blogs, speaking engagements.

First problem for me: my book doesn’t neatly fit into a genre–first ankle bite. Next is I neither know nor care how it fits into the marketplace, and have no inclination to find out. I just want to write–is that so wrong?

The size of my social media platform? Uh, well, can we just skip that for now? My Blog/Website promoting the book with size of following? First off, can anyone tell me again the difference between a blog and a website, and why that matters? My e-mail list? Well, it’s pretty long, but you should know that many of those folks listed are no longer using the e-mail address I’m using.

Ah, but my plan! I do have a plan, and I think it’s a good one. And I’m sure I can get someone super famous to be my guest, and then they’ll ask me to come and speak and everyone in the HUGE crowd will buy my book.

Actually, I have no problem believing that last paragraph, and I actually do have a plan. But until the book is written, all these concerns are complications, aggravations, and creativity killers. They make me want more coffee, more Kombucha (golden pineapple perhaps, with lemon and lime wedges) and if all else fails I’ll get a Haagen Daas bar and eat it at the lake just up the road.

And then I’ll remind myself (and you Dear Reader) how absolutely pathetically impotent complaining makes us all (maybe I’ll have an absolutely pathetically impotent character in my book, and maybe someone with say clever and sarcastic things to him), and I’ll get on with the business at hand (it might be writing, or ice cream, or writing with bites of ice cream now and again.

But for the moment, here my video offering in case you want a bit more convincing and help about ignoring all the noise, confusion, and complication, and just doing a bit of writing:

God-Blamers, Patronizing Christians and Other Party Poopers

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

I was having a lovely quiet time at home this morning, as my dear husband was quite ill. After a couple of days in bed, he decided to join me, asking me to read aloud from the Bible whatever I was reading. As it was Proverbs 31 (today is the 31st and I try to read P31 on the 31st) I changed it up a bit, figuring he’d rather hear something else. He was soon asleep and I decided to head on to church, even though it would be half over when I got there.

And the fun began. Well, it was fun at first as the sermon was anointed unto marvelousness. But when it was over the lady behind me hugged me and said she was “proud” of me for coming to church, and that she knows sometimes it’s tempting to stay home, etc. Believe it or not, oh Jesus-misunderstander, I am never “tempted” to miss church. I simply take it week by week in prayer. ”Am I to go, Father?” I ask. And within moments I know. 

Funnily, on the times when I feel I am to worship at home, it will turn out that the super-anointed, wise and beautifully gifted pastor wasn’t preaching that day, and in fact was actually sleeping during the sermon given by someone else. I will learn that the music was dull as dishwater and that the announcements went on unto doomsday. ”Thank You, Holy Spirit.”

So. Well, that little assumption that I need to be told I done good came from a source I can often rely on to talk to me as though I’m a grade school child: a teacher. Let us all beware of thinking everyone else is as unenlightened, dumb as a post, and undisciplined as a school child.

And so much more so, let us all beware of people who have, because of JUNK taught in Sunday School, and churches everywhere evidently, that God is a twisted monster. ”Why does God let babies (or “cause babies to” some actually say) be born without arms and legs? Why does God do this horror or that horror? ”Thalidamide,” I suggested (not from God, but from doctors who think they’re God perhaps?). I added, “The thief who comes to steal, kill and destroy as in John 10:10!” 

The pastor’s wife chimed in, “We live in a fallen world.” Whooosshh! Right over the God-blamer’s head that went, as she continued in the same vein.

It is so grieving and eventually so upsetting/angering that we just have to speak up. Christians have been Satan’s mouthpieces for long enough. Let us all beware, and let us not be IGNORANT of the Word of God. And the next time someone blames God for evil, let us be His champion, religious lies be damned. 

The Word says He turns what the enemy intends for evil, to good for those who love Him. Yes, we have an enemy and God aint it. And no, if you deep down believe God is your enemy, you can’t truly love Him. You can only fear Him, and think maybe if you show up to church every time the doors are open you’ll escape his wrath. Maybe.

As Christians we are not heathens trying to appease an angry God. In Him (that means in faith, not fear and ignorance of Him) we are more than conquerors. He said so. Of course, if you’d rather take the word of some over-educated “theologian” over the Word of your Creator, you really shouldn’t be that surprised when things don’t go well.

So, here’s me giving you permission: If you’re getting this kind of nonsense in church, do stay home and read a book, or eat chocolates, or take a walk and sing a song. And have a little talk with Jesus, just the two of you, no “teachers” necessary.