(Following is Chapter 2 of my new book–available in 24 hours–The Marriage Connoisseur)

“As you grow in maturity and wellbeing, your marriage becomes better, too. You contribute more, your spouse feels encouraged to contribute more, and your marriage becomes stronger.” – Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley

Chapter 2–Better and Better

At What? 

            At Love and Marriage.  At pure unadulterated enjoyment of, and pleasure in, that most marvelous of all earthly gifts–true and romantic love between a woman and a man.

            There are goals upon goals, ambitions, drives and desires to which we give superhuman effort and focus, and for returns which don’t begin to compare with the potential returns when such single-minded determination is made in pursuit of a happy marriage.

            Rather than asking how we can best achieve our personal goals, we are much better served when asking how we can nurture, protect and develop the miracle of True Love.  How can we better ourselves in view of bettering our marriage?

            If we take all the good teachings on “success” and apply them to marriage, we find ourselves in a state of grace.  When the Giver of Every Good and Perfect Gift becomes the object of our admiration, devotion, attention, and worship, we are in that state of grace that guarantees our good outcome.  We are in that place where, as Emile Coue famously said, “Every day, in every way, we are getting better and better.” 

“That hasn’t been my experience.”

            In the movie Red (Two), when Sarah tells Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) that people are basically decent, he responds, “That hasn’t always been my experience.” 

            No one’s experience negates truth.  If God promises one thing and we experience another, we are not to fall into the common trap of thinking God’s a liar and saying in effect that our experience is Truth—that we are the All-Knowing One.

Perhaps a Change of Perspective?

            I ask you, Dear Reader, to consider considering that God may know what He’s talking about, He may have an excellent plan of beauty and victory for you, and that you may have to change a bit of your thinking.  You may need to change from a cautious and risk-averse mindset of Me and My Experience to one of Him and His Beneficence, unto a life of multiplicative blessing.  “Marriage,” as Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley explains, “is not additive; two halves don’t make a whole. Marriage is multiplicative. Two half people create a marriage that’s less than either of them individually. But two whole people working together can create more beauty than there ever was before.”

Yeah, but . . .

            “Yeah, but” is one of those warning phrases—warning us that it’s time to take some thoughts captive, and tell them aloud what’s what and who’s who.  “Listen here, Bev,” I say to myself, with something like this, “You are not a victim, you are not an excuse maker, you are not a doubter, or an ignorant and rebellious child.  God knows what’s what and you get yourself  in line.”

            In line for what?  Victory! 

            Another warning phrase is “You should.”  I used to think “should” was only OK when I was talking to the gal in the mirror, but I’ve since begun eliminating that word from my vocabulary, unless someone asks my opinion, and even then I try to find a better, a more scriptural way, to speak. 

            I honestly believe that, in marriage, the minute your lips speak the words “you should”, judgment is waiting, pride is working, harm is coming to the heart of your beloved.  What isn’t coming is a change in behavior.  Almost never.

            This is even true when I’m talking to myself.  There’s something about being told what I “should” do that gets me asking, “Why should I?’  However, if I say, “Bev, you know what to do, now do it,” I find myself responding, “I will, I am going to.  I’m beginning this very minute.”

May I Suggest?

            May I suggest you be on the lookout for phrases you use that are less than life-giving, less than inspiring and motivating, less than Love?  It might be as seemingly innocuous as, “It is what it is.” 

            What’s wrong with that?  Maybe nothing, but every time I hear it, I hear defeat and acceptance of something that needs changing.  Even if the issue seems completely out of our spheres, we can pray.

            You may say things like, “My husband is no good around the house,” or, “My daughter is clumsy;” or one of my least favorites, “Boys will be boys!”  You’re practically guaranteeing your husband won’t even try, your daughter will not outgrow her clumsiness, and that your son will think childish and boorish behavior is cute. 

            Again, keep a watch over your tongue and stay in prayer for the Holy Spirit’s help in this.  So, so, so important that you never give up on getting better and better.

Suggested Reading:  Personality Isn’t Permanent by Dr. Benjamin Hardy; Dear Enemy by Jean Webster

Key to Victory:  Deliberately fill your heart with good and joyful things, such as books like Dear Enemy and its prequel, Daddy Longlegs.

Music:  Beautiful Wedding:  Prelude

Thoughts and Prayers: