The Marriage Connoisseur, Chapter 3

July 29, 2026July 29, 2026 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

“Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.” – Epicurus

Chapter 3–Unforced Rhythms of Grace

Whose Plan is This, Anyway?

Make a plan! Set a goal! Get up at 5:00! Better still, at 4:00! I made my plan and it was a good one. And then our guest showed up three hours early. And there was a big thunderstorm which drove my loved ones indoors. Next my daughter called asking me to call the sheriff’s office about cows on the highway.

All these things went away, and my son decided to come inside and dry off over coffee with me, this after my husband cooked a late breakfast and clearly wanted and indeed needed my help with a crossword and for me to join him at breakfast.

Flexibility is a great attribute, as opposed to being married to a plan, which will often end in throwing up our hands and forgetting the whole thing. Whether we’re trying to write a book or read one, we can take what I call a “sneaky view” of interruptions.

By that I mean envisioning ourselves as navigating all these things, still arriving at our destination, but richer for the delays. This requires a bit of getting alone and thinking things out. “I won’t tell anyone, no one will know that things aren’t going to plan,” I whisper to myself. “I’m not the least bit put off by this, because I’m way too cool to be derailed by this. I’ll just take another route.” Just as when you forsake the interstates for the backroads, there are creativity and joy boosters all along the way.

So, rather than being upset, I am looking at having coffee with my son, and being wanted by my husband as good things. Very good things. How can I incorporate the feeling of this unexpected blessing (see what I called it) into my writing? What can I learn? Shall I take a walk now, or go back to writing?

There are, of course, those times when I have to build stronger than usual structures for my plan. For instance, on this particular morning I could have shut myself up in my room with an announcement to beloveds: Please do not disturb unless the house is on fire, and even then, do so at your own risk. I could have told them I’m way behind where I hoped to be by this time, and I’m off to a coffee shop where no one knows my name, and by the way, don’t call me even if the house is on fire.

I can turn off my phone, ignore the house phone and forget about e-mails and excellent writing tutorials. Even if I only sit on the balcony with a cup of tea (wasn’t that in my plan? If not, it should have been) and read Georgette Heyer (it’s writing training) or do nothing at all (wasn’t that in my plan? If not, it should have been) it’s a step in my life dance, made more rhythmic and interesting via being unplanned.

However . . . if these feelings of frustration and desperation become commonplace, and there’s no use trying to put any spin on it besides pure aggravation and defeat, I know it’s time to take a thing or two off the table. Literally, in my case. It’s time to back off of some of the cooking. It’s time to do what makes me more creative, simple things such as making the bed and taking a walk–and to stop trying to be Doer of All Things. It’s time for more time with the Author and Finisher of my Faith, the Giver of Grace–unforced rhythms of grace.

Because for me, it really is all about family. And they (especially my beau) only need me to be happy—in a state of grace. Amen.

What is this Burden?

Real men don’t whine–John qualifies. But when the burdens get heavy, unless I’m too wrapped up in my own self, I can sense things are amiss. Then, contrary to popular opinion, it’s not time for advice, thinly veiled criticism, or even getting mad on his behalf at whoever or whatever is causing him grief.

It’s time, rather, to just be a bit closer and softer, a little nicer and kinder, and stay tuned.

Women Often Lament . . .

Women often lament about things that just aren’t so. Homemakers, for instance, in thinking that their husbands have all the fun “going off” to work while they’re “stuck at home,” are buying lies heaped upon lies. There is very little fun about making a living as done by most men. Most men quietly answer to endless aggravations and often ulcer-producing work situations. There are unreasonable and demanding bosses, office politics, senseless rules and regulations, intolerable co-workers, thankless and creativity-killing tasks, mind-numbing commutes, and the sense that they’re little different than hampsters on a wheel, with no end in sight.

On what mountain of insanity did women decide it would be better to have what men have? Having worked as men work—as a carpenter’s helper growing up and later for John in a similar capacity, I can tell you women’s work is not harder. It’s just different, and thank God for that!

Am I being “old fashioned” and setting women back a century? No. But I would like to set us back about 60 years, at least in some areas. How lovely to have the time of day, presence of mind, order, freedom from endless distractions, and the energy for hospitality and family trips as did many of the women of my mom’s generation. As I am not a fan of wishful thinking, I submit that we can have much of that again, by beginning to be honest about what’s in our hearts, and what we truly want (hint: it’s not to be what we aren’t, which is men).

Another Lament

Women often lament that their husbands don’t open up, won’t talk about things. Some of that is because, as I said, real men don’t whine; some is because they just need to work through some things; some because they didn’t have such a good outcome the last time they opened up.

It’s a challenge that must be met not to treat husbands as kids. It doesn’t matter if they sometimes act quite similar. They aren’t. Another challenge is to remember who they are—fearfully and wonderfully made children of the Most High, and deserving of honor, consideration and respect, whether they act like it or not.

We reap what we sow.

Suggested Reading: Matthew 11:28-30, The Message.

Key to Victory: Read aloud Luke 21:19 and pray it over yourself as a declaration.

Music: Psalms sung by you. I dare you—try it, I mean infused with your very own self, your very own love.

Thoughts and Prayers:

The Marriage Connoisseur, Chapter 4

July 29, 2026 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

“Extravagance is the fear of poverty and the need for attention. Discretion is the fear of nothing and the need of nothing.” – Byron Tully in The Old Money Book—How to Live Better While Spending Less

Chapter 4–It’s Not Fun, But it Must Be Done

Respecting Your Money

In the life-enhancing, joy-bringing book, An Italian Journey by James Ernest Shaw is this truth: “Spending money for things we don’t need also makes us think we can’t afford to pay a fair price for things of precious value–like healthful food, great art, and inspired entertainment that celebrates mankind’s creative spirit.”

This can be seemingly insignificant purchases, but oh, they are not! The curious thing is how we think we’re saving money at the big box store where tomatoes are half the price of those at the farm stand, not noticing that the big box tomatoes aren’t edible, while the farm stand tomatoes call our names with their scent before we can even see them. Everything about shopping at the farm stand satisfies. The price is only a part of good money management.

We think it’s good money management to choose the BOGO sale and yet wonder how we come home without what we need and after spending well beyond what we planned. We wrongly equate a full pantry with prosperity, even though it’s full of things we’d be better off without.

Right now my pantry and freezers hold mixtures of things we’ll eat and things we’ll throw out. It is the old case of careless spending, rather than careful, focused, thoughtful purchasing of quality goods. It’s the rewarding of the bigger-but-not-better guys at the expense of the purveyors of quality, and at the expense of ourselves.

This is a big deal. I’m not at all talking about big business vs. small. I’m talking about quality vs. quantity, about the huge expense of going cheap, about cheating yourself and your family via spending your money on fluff.

And fluff makes us fluffy. Fluff is energy bars, instant oatmeal, dry cereal with cheap skim milk, microwave mac-n-cheese, corn syrup and sugar-filled drinks, 30-ingredient “snacks” and “treats” and other such fakiness. Expensive on every level. The richest people in the world can’t afford this.

The Richest People in the World

The richest people in the world respect their money. Contrary to popular opinion and stories about Scrooge, or the evils of Mr. Banks (in Mary Poppins) in working his tail off so his family had the luxury of whining about it, many people who have money don’t worship it, and aren’t greedy with it.

I can present plenty of evidence, both in personal experience and through extensive research to support this statement, but that is not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is the scriptural mandate that we be good stewards of our money, and one very important reason for this is that it shuts the door on many marital issues.

We all have money attitudes and beliefs from our upbringing, education, and life experiences, but if they don’t serve us they need to go! And lest you forget it, here’s one of many such reminders—don’t be looking at what the other person is doing wrong, just get your own act right. Now. Right now. It’s a glorious feeling to see how quickly money piles up when you stop spending it. All those things we thought we couldn’t do without—try just postponing them for a bit and see how smug you feel.

Blowing the Deal

If my husband reads this, he will likely hope I’m taking my own words to heart. Well, I am. This is a big deal. And I’m not blowing the deal with tit for tat. Once upon a time, not so long ago as I’d like it to have been, I complained about something he spent money on. “I don’t think you want to go there,” he said.

Well, I didn’t and I did. I did want to take his statement, his implied accusation, and carefully examine it. No, that’s not quite right. I didn’t want to, I needed to. And I did, painful though it was. I went from a “fine, see if I spend another dime and have fun living on pinto beans” attitude, to one a bit more fruitful.

It’s a process, this path to victory, but we never arrive if we won’t even consider considering the ever-so-remote possibility that we might, just maybe, need to make a bit of a change.

So, be it money or anything else that’s causing even a little bit of thorniness in our down-filled nests, it must be dealt with for what it is—a big deal. Pray it out, think it out, talk it out, walk it out–but don’t blow the money deal!

Suggested Reading: The Old Money Book by Byron Tully

Keys to Victory: Respect your money, but don’t be mastered by it.

Music: Just Another Woman in Love by Anne Murray

Thoughts and Prayers:

The Marriage Connoisseur–Chapter 2

July 25, 2026 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

(Following is Chapter 2 of my new book–available in 24 hours–The Marriage Connoisseur)

“As you grow in maturity and wellbeing, your marriage becomes better, too. You contribute more, your spouse feels encouraged to contribute more, and your marriage becomes stronger.” – Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley

Chapter 2–Better and Better

At What?

At Love and Marriage. At pure unadulterated enjoyment of, and pleasure in, that most marvelous of all earthly gifts–true and romantic love between a woman and a man.

There are goals upon goals, ambitions, drives and desires to which we give superhuman effort and focus, and for returns which don’t begin to compare with the potential returns when such single-minded determination is made in pursuit of a happy marriage.

Rather than asking how we can best achieve our personal goals, we are much better served when asking how we can nurture, protect and develop the miracle of True Love. How can we better ourselves in view of bettering our marriage?

If we take all the good teachings on “success” and apply them to marriage, we find ourselves in a state of grace. When the Giver of Every Good and Perfect Gift becomes the object of our admiration, devotion, attention, and worship, we are in that state of grace that guarantees our good outcome. We are in that place where, as Emile Coue famously said, “Every day, in every way, we are getting better and better.”

“That hasn’t been my experience.”

In the movie Red (Two), when Sarah tells Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) that people are basically decent, he responds, “That hasn’t always been my experience.”

No one’s experience negates truth. If God promises one thing and we experience another, we are not to fall into the common trap of thinking God’s a liar and saying in effect that our experience is Truth—that we are the All-Knowing One.

Perhaps a Change of Perspective?

I ask you, Dear Reader, to consider considering that God may know what He’s talking about, He may have an excellent plan of beauty and victory for you, and that you may have to change a bit of your thinking. You may need to change from a cautious and risk-averse mindset of Me and My Experience to one of Him and His Beneficence, unto a life of multiplicative blessing. “Marriage,” as Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley explains, “is not additive; two halves don’t make a whole. Marriage is multiplicative. Two half people create a marriage that’s less than either of them individually. But two whole people working together can create more beauty than there ever was before.”

Yeah, but . . .

“Yeah, but” is one of those warning phrases—warning us that it’s time to take some thoughts captive, and tell them aloud what’s what and who’s who. “Listen here, Bev,” I say to myself, with something like this, “You are not a victim, you are not an excuse maker, you are not a doubter, or an ignorant and rebellious child. God knows what’s what and you get yourself in line.”

In line for what? Victory!

Another warning phrase is “You should.” I used to think “should” was only OK when I was talking to the gal in the mirror, but I’ve since begun eliminating that word from my vocabulary, unless someone asks my opinion, and even then I try to find a better, a more scriptural way, to speak.

I honestly believe that, in marriage, the minute your lips speak the words “you should”, judgment is waiting, pride is working, harm is coming to the heart of your beloved. What isn’t coming is a change in behavior. Almost never.

This is even true when I’m talking to myself. There’s something about being told what I “should” do that gets me asking, “Why should I?’ However, if I say, “Bev, you know what to do, now do it,” I find myself responding, “I will, I am going to. I’m beginning this very minute.”

May I Suggest?

May I suggest you be on the lookout for phrases you use that are less than life-giving, less than inspiring and motivating, less than Love? It might be as seemingly innocuous as, “It is what it is.”

What’s wrong with that? Maybe nothing, but every time I hear it, I hear defeat and acceptance of something that needs changing. Even if the issue seems completely out of our spheres, we can pray.

You may say things like, “My husband is no good around the house,” or, “My daughter is clumsy;” or one of my least favorites, “Boys will be boys!” You’re practically guaranteeing your husband won’t even try, your daughter will not outgrow her clumsiness, and that your son will think childish and boorish behavior is cute.

Again, keep a watch over your tongue and stay in prayer for the Holy Spirit’s help in this. So, so, so important that you never give up on getting better and better.

Suggested Reading: Personality Isn’t Permanent by Dr. Benjamin Hardy; Dear Enemy by Jean Webster

Key to Victory: Deliberately fill your heart with good and joyful things, such as books like Dear Enemy and its prequel, Daddy Longlegs.

Music: Beautiful Wedding: Prelude

Thoughts and Prayers:

Have You Bought the Lie?

April 1, 2026 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

The home truth is beautiful, so unutterably beautiful.

A young man once told my husband that his wife wasn’t using her education, helping with the finances (they had kids). John said, “Nothing you will ever do is as important as what she’s doing at home with those kids.”

A respected woman with many, many YouTube viewers recently talked about how we all have a ministry, and could be reaching the whole world with a YouTube channel. She said to stop with the excuses—not enough time, not tech savvy, later when the kids are grown . . . . . There was more—about callings and purposes, about building things . . .

And then she said an indicator that you might need to be building a YouTube ministry is if it’s already what you do—the one who prays for people, the one people call for encouragement—that sort of thing.

There’s a lot in that, and it’s worth a bit of a ponder, a chewing on, before swallowing. First, if you have a family, you have a ministry, and it can change the world. Second, the answer about waiting until the kids are grown is not an excuse—it’s a priority and a conviction about what’s right and real. And third–what if you spend all that building-and-blessing-your-own-beloveds time (the ones gifted specifically to you by God), building a YouTube channel? Is that wisdom? Better find out from the One who knows.

It’s not “I can do all things through christ jesus.” It’s, “I can do all things through CHRIST JESUS!” Otherwise, we’re looking in vain for that purpose-driven life, trying to feel like our lives matter, that we matter, and trying to find that approval, that “Job well done!” from a world who doesn’t really know us or care. Silly, silly.

Daughter Rebekah and I recently watched Love’s Portrait (beautiful, beautiful movie set in Ireland) and while it was a lovely romance, the subplot blessed me as well. There was a little sister who was told she needed to go make a life for herself. She said, “I already have.” Her life was rich and full and she was wise enough to know it, and to ignore all the “wise” ones giving that worth-what-she-paid-for-it advice.

I’m thinking that before we have any advice worth sharing we need to be doing the first and foremost of all ministries and callings, the most world-impacting of all building—we need to build our homes. Let’s wait a bit on Proverbs 31 vineyard planting and sash sewing and making bunches of money. Let’s go back to Proverbs 14—The wise woman builds her house–house meaning, among other things worthy, her family.

Building people, making history, ensuring tomorrow—that’s what homemaking is, even if you’re the last woman standing in this lonely arena (you’re not—that’s a lie from Hell) you are among the good and great company of real and true women throughout the ages who knew what was what, as do you.

But you don’t need anyone’s company or approval. You will pray and grow and know that your husband’s heart safely trusts you, and you will be blessed by your children, and you will know that you know your life matters. And one fine day you will hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Yes, there’s a whole lot of servant-ing going on in this most excellent of lives, but then Jesus was a servant, wasn’t he?

Husbands are not the sum of their faults.

May 7, 2025 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

Get Serious About Your Mission, and Stop Goldfishin’

April 30, 2025 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

The Only Narcissist You Need to Worry About

March 10, 2025 ~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

First, can we agree that time spend on YouTube learning how at least half the people we know are raging narcissists is, well, not time well spent? And what is the point, anyway? I’ll tell you what Maryl di Milo said in a YouTube video about a book she was reviewing, which advocates, among other things, getting away from less than pleasant (narcissistic) people: “It’s about self-preservation.”

I haven’t read this book, and it may be extremely helpful, but if it’s another book that points me to me, I don’t need it. I can do self-preservation instead of trusting the only One who can preserve me, easy peasy–no help needed.

And anyway, is that what we’re here for–self-preservation? I think not. Let’s learn that any self-focused thing (oops, isn’t that narcissism?) may not be our friend. Let’s learn that so often the people so determined to label people as narcissists may have a few less-than-selfless traits themselves.

Shall I look into the mirror? Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most narcissistic of all?

Oh, that’s my husband, my daughter-in-law, my neighbor. Why can’t we just know that as long as we’re here we’ll likely be fighting self-worship in some form, and simply mind our own narcissistic business.

And here’s a thought: Let’s find something a little more constructive (see the New Testament) to do about troublesome people than just toss them out of our lives.