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The Marriage Connoisseur, Chapter 3

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

“Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.” – Epicurus

Chapter 3–Unforced Rhythms of Grace

Whose Plan is This, Anyway?

            Make a plan!  Set a goal!  Get up at 5:00!  Better still, at 4:00!  I made my plan and it was a good one.  And then our guest showed up three hours early.  And there was a big thunderstorm which drove my loved ones indoors.  Next my daughter called asking me to call the sheriff’s office about cows on the highway.

            All these things went away, and my son decided to come inside and dry off over coffee with me, this after my husband cooked a late breakfast and clearly wanted and indeed needed my help with a crossword and for me to join him at breakfast.

            Flexibility is a great attribute, as opposed to being married to a plan, which will often end in throwing up our hands and forgetting the whole thing.  Whether we’re trying to write a book or read one, we can take what I call a “sneaky view” of interruptions.

            By that I mean envisioning ourselves as navigating all these things, still arriving at our destination, but richer for the delays.  This requires a bit of getting alone and thinking things out.  “I won’t tell anyone, no one will know that things aren’t going to plan,” I whisper to myself.  “I’m not the least bit put off by this, because I’m way too cool to be derailed by this.  I’ll just take another route.”  Just as when you forsake the interstates for the backroads, there are creativity and joy boosters all along the way. 

            So, rather than being upset, I am looking at having coffee with my son, and being wanted by my husband as good things.  Very good things.  How can I incorporate the feeling of this unexpected blessing (see what I called it) into my writing?  What can I learn?  Shall I take a walk now, or go back to writing?

            There are, of course, those times when I have to build stronger than usual structures for my plan.  For instance, on this particular morning I could have shut myself up in my room with an announcement to beloveds:  Please do not disturb unless the house is on fire, and even then, do so at your own risk.  I could have told them I’m way behind where I hoped to be by this time, and I’m off to a coffee shop where no one knows my name, and by the way, don’t call me even if the house is on fire.

            I can turn off my phone, ignore the house phone and forget about e-mails and excellent writing tutorials.  Even if I only sit on the balcony with a cup of tea (wasn’t that in my plan?  If not, it should have been) and read Georgette Heyer (it’s writing training) or do nothing at all (wasn’t that in my plan?  If not, it should have been) it’s a step in my life dance, made more rhythmic and interesting via being unplanned.

            However . . . if these feelings of frustration and desperation become commonplace, and there’s no use trying to put any spin on it besides pure aggravation and defeat, I know it’s time to take a thing or two off the table.  Literally, in my case.  It’s time to back off of some of the cooking.  It’s time to do what makes me more creative, simple things such as making the bed and taking a walk–and to stop trying to be Doer of All Things.  It’s time for more time with the Author and Finisher of my Faith, the Giver of Grace–unforced rhythms of grace. 

            Because for me, it really is all about family.  And they (especially my beau) only need me to be happy—in a  state of grace.  Amen. 

What is this Burden?

            Real men don’t whine–John qualifies.  But when the burdens get heavy, unless I’m too wrapped up in my own self, I can sense things are amiss.  Then, contrary to popular opinion, it’s not time for advice, thinly veiled criticism, or even getting mad on his behalf at whoever or whatever is causing him grief. 

            It’s time, rather, to just be a bit closer and softer, a little nicer and kinder, and stay tuned.             

Women Often Lament . . .

            Women often lament about things that just aren’t so.  Homemakers, for instance, in thinking that their husbands have all the fun “going off” to work while they’re “stuck at home,” are buying lies heaped upon lies.  There is very little fun about making a living as done by most men.  Most men quietly answer to endless aggravations and often ulcer-producing work situations.  There are unreasonable and demanding bosses, office politics, senseless rules and regulations, intolerable co-workers, thankless and creativity-killing tasks, mind-numbing commutes, and the sense that they’re little different than hampsters on a wheel, with no end in sight.

            On what mountain of insanity did women decide it would be better to have what men have?  Having worked as men work—as a carpenter’s helper growing up and later for John in a similar capacity, I can tell you women’s work is not harder.  It’s just different, and thank God for that!

            Am I being “old fashioned” and setting women back a century?  No.  But I would like to set us back about 60 years, at least in some areas.  How lovely to have the time of day, presence of mind, order, freedom from endless distractions, and the energy for hospitality and family trips as did many of the women of my mom’s generation.        As I am not a fan of wishful thinking, I submit that we can have much of that again, by beginning to be honest about what’s in our hearts, and what we truly want (hint:  it’s not to be what we aren’t, which is men).

Another Lament

            Women often lament that their husbands don’t open up, won’t talk about things.  Some of that is because, as I said, real men don’t whine; some is because they just need to work through some things; some because they didn’t have such a good outcome the last time they opened up.

            It’s a challenge that must be met not to treat husbands as kids.  It doesn’t matter if they sometimes act quite similar.  They aren’t.  Another challenge is to remember who they are—fearfully and wonderfully made children of the Most High, and deserving of honor, consideration and respect, whether they act like it or not.

            We reap what we sow.

Suggested Reading:  Matthew 11:28-30, The Message.

Key to Victory:  Read aloud Luke 21:19 and pray it over yourself as a declaration.

Music:  Psalms sung by you.  I dare you—try it, I mean infused with your very own self, your very own love.

Thoughts and Prayers:

The Marriage Connoisseur, Chapter 4

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

“Extravagance is the fear of poverty and the need for attention.  Discretion is the fear of nothing and the need of nothing.” – Byron Tully in The Old Money Book—How to Live Better While Spending Less

Chapter 4–It’s Not Fun, But it Must Be Done

Respecting Your Money                                      

In the life-enhancing, joy-bringing book, An Italian Journey by James Ernest Shaw is this truth: “Spending money for things we don’t need also makes us think we can’t afford to pay a fair price for things of precious value–like healthful food, great art, and inspired entertainment that celebrates mankind’s creative spirit.”

This can be seemingly insignificant purchases, but oh, they are not! The curious thing is how we think we’re saving money at the big box store where tomatoes are half the price of those at the farm stand, not noticing that the big box tomatoes aren’t edible, while the farm stand tomatoes call our names with their scent before we can even see them. Everything about shopping at the farm stand satisfies. The price is only a part of good money management.

We think it’s good money management to choose the BOGO sale and yet wonder how we come home without what we need and after spending well beyond what we planned. We wrongly equate a full pantry with prosperity, even though it’s full of things we’d be better off without.

Right now my pantry and freezers hold mixtures of things we’ll eat and things we’ll throw out. It is the old case of careless spending, rather than careful, focused, thoughtful purchasing of quality goods. It’s the rewarding of the bigger-but-not-better guys at the expense of the purveyors of quality, and at the expense of ourselves.

This is a big deal. I’m not at all talking about big business vs. small. I’m talking about quality vs. quantity, about the huge expense of going cheap, about cheating yourself and your family via spending your money on fluff.

And fluff makes us fluffy. Fluff is energy bars, instant oatmeal, dry cereal with cheap skim milk, microwave mac-n-cheese, corn syrup and sugar-filled drinks, 30-ingredient “snacks” and “treats” and other such fakiness. Expensive on every level. The richest people in the world can’t afford this.

The Richest People in the World

The richest people in the world respect their money.  Contrary to popular opinion and stories about Scrooge, or the evils of Mr. Banks (in Mary Poppins) in working his tail off so his family had the luxury of whining about it, many people who have money don’t worship it, and aren’t greedy with it. 

I can present plenty of evidence, both in personal experience and through extensive research to support this statement, but that is not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is the scriptural mandate that we be good stewards of our money, and one very important reason for this is that it shuts the door on many marital issues.

We all have money attitudes and beliefs from our upbringing, education, and life experiences, but if they don’t serve us they need to go!  And lest you forget it, here’s one of many such reminders—don’t be looking at what the other person is doing wrong, just get your own act right.  Now.  Right now.  It’s a glorious feeling to see how quickly money piles up when you stop spending it.  All those things we thought we couldn’t do without—try just postponing them for a bit and see how smug you feel.

Blowing the Deal

If my husband reads this, he will likely hope I’m taking my own words to heart. Well, I am. This is a big deal.  And I’m not blowing the deal with tit for tat.  Once upon a time, not so long ago as I’d like it to have been, I complained about something he spent money on.  “I don’t think you want to go there,” he said.

Well, I didn’t and I did.  I did want to take his statement, his implied accusation, and carefully examine it.  No, that’s not quite right.  I didn’t want to, I needed to.  And I did, painful though it was.  I went from a “fine, see if I spend another dime and have fun living on pinto beans” attitude, to one a bit more fruitful. 

It’s a process, this path to victory, but we never arrive if we won’t even consider considering the ever-so-remote possibility that we might, just maybe, need to make a bit of a change.

So, be it money or anything else that’s causing even a little bit of thorniness in our down-filled nests, it must be dealt with for what it is—a big deal.  Pray it out, think it out, talk it out, walk it out–but don’t blow the money deal!

Suggested Reading:  The Old Money Book by Byron Tully

Keys to Victory:  Respect your money, but don’t be mastered by it.

Music:  Just Another Woman in Love by Anne Murray

Thoughts and Prayers:

The Marriage Connoisseur–Chapter 2

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

(Following is Chapter 2 of my new book–available in 24 hours–The Marriage Connoisseur)

“As you grow in maturity and wellbeing, your marriage becomes better, too. You contribute more, your spouse feels encouraged to contribute more, and your marriage becomes stronger.” – Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley

Chapter 2–Better and Better

At What? 

            At Love and Marriage.  At pure unadulterated enjoyment of, and pleasure in, that most marvelous of all earthly gifts–true and romantic love between a woman and a man.

            There are goals upon goals, ambitions, drives and desires to which we give superhuman effort and focus, and for returns which don’t begin to compare with the potential returns when such single-minded determination is made in pursuit of a happy marriage.

            Rather than asking how we can best achieve our personal goals, we are much better served when asking how we can nurture, protect and develop the miracle of True Love.  How can we better ourselves in view of bettering our marriage?

            If we take all the good teachings on “success” and apply them to marriage, we find ourselves in a state of grace.  When the Giver of Every Good and Perfect Gift becomes the object of our admiration, devotion, attention, and worship, we are in that state of grace that guarantees our good outcome.  We are in that place where, as Emile Coue famously said, “Every day, in every way, we are getting better and better.” 

“That hasn’t been my experience.”

            In the movie Red (Two), when Sarah tells Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) that people are basically decent, he responds, “That hasn’t always been my experience.” 

            No one’s experience negates truth.  If God promises one thing and we experience another, we are not to fall into the common trap of thinking God’s a liar and saying in effect that our experience is Truth—that we are the All-Knowing One.

Perhaps a Change of Perspective?

            I ask you, Dear Reader, to consider considering that God may know what He’s talking about, He may have an excellent plan of beauty and victory for you, and that you may have to change a bit of your thinking.  You may need to change from a cautious and risk-averse mindset of Me and My Experience to one of Him and His Beneficence, unto a life of multiplicative blessing.  “Marriage,” as Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley explains, “is not additive; two halves don’t make a whole. Marriage is multiplicative. Two half people create a marriage that’s less than either of them individually. But two whole people working together can create more beauty than there ever was before.”

Yeah, but . . .

            “Yeah, but” is one of those warning phrases—warning us that it’s time to take some thoughts captive, and tell them aloud what’s what and who’s who.  “Listen here, Bev,” I say to myself, with something like this, “You are not a victim, you are not an excuse maker, you are not a doubter, or an ignorant and rebellious child.  God knows what’s what and you get yourself  in line.”

            In line for what?  Victory! 

            Another warning phrase is “You should.”  I used to think “should” was only OK when I was talking to the gal in the mirror, but I’ve since begun eliminating that word from my vocabulary, unless someone asks my opinion, and even then I try to find a better, a more scriptural way, to speak. 

            I honestly believe that, in marriage, the minute your lips speak the words “you should”, judgment is waiting, pride is working, harm is coming to the heart of your beloved.  What isn’t coming is a change in behavior.  Almost never.

            This is even true when I’m talking to myself.  There’s something about being told what I “should” do that gets me asking, “Why should I?’  However, if I say, “Bev, you know what to do, now do it,” I find myself responding, “I will, I am going to.  I’m beginning this very minute.”

May I Suggest?

            May I suggest you be on the lookout for phrases you use that are less than life-giving, less than inspiring and motivating, less than Love?  It might be as seemingly innocuous as, “It is what it is.” 

            What’s wrong with that?  Maybe nothing, but every time I hear it, I hear defeat and acceptance of something that needs changing.  Even if the issue seems completely out of our spheres, we can pray.

            You may say things like, “My husband is no good around the house,” or, “My daughter is clumsy;” or one of my least favorites, “Boys will be boys!”  You’re practically guaranteeing your husband won’t even try, your daughter will not outgrow her clumsiness, and that your son will think childish and boorish behavior is cute. 

            Again, keep a watch over your tongue and stay in prayer for the Holy Spirit’s help in this.  So, so, so important that you never give up on getting better and better.

Suggested Reading:  Personality Isn’t Permanent by Dr. Benjamin Hardy; Dear Enemy by Jean Webster

Key to Victory:  Deliberately fill your heart with good and joyful things, such as books like Dear Enemy and its prequel, Daddy Longlegs.

Music:  Beautiful Wedding:  Prelude

Thoughts and Prayers:

The Maker’s Marriage–Romance Reimagined

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

Finally! I have just now gotten the new and expanded Maker’s Marriage on Amazon Kindle (paperback and hard cover are “in review” and coming soon).

Please check it out–it will be a nice gift to someone else or to you and yours!

Intimacy is Personal

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

My hair lady told me the story of her pastor asking how many people in the congregation had “been intimate” in the past month, and she said there were only a few people who raised their hands.

I wish I had been there. I would have (I like to think, anyway) stood up and told him that intimacy between married couples is precious, private, and none of his business. I would say that anyone who did raise their hands and put their relationship issues on public display was unwise, as they cheapened it by so doing. I would say that he himself doesn’t understand intimacy or he wouldn’t be discussing it and encouraging others to do so, as if he were asking something as mundane and common as, “Who among you are morning people?” or, “Raise your hands if red is your favorite color.”

Obviously there is a problem when people are no longer “intimate” but I submit that the problem won’t be solved by making it a matter of public discussion.

The most important things in life should often be the most private. Talking to God, asking for the courage to be real, the grace to forgive, for renewed desire, and anything else that comes to mind will put you on the road to bliss. Further advancements can be gained in talking to each other, and to God with each other–intimately. It may be that there is additional wise counsel to be sought as well, but let it not be a pastor who thinks this is all for public consumption.

Honor your marriage, and each others’ hearts by being truly intimate–it’s between the two of you. That heart honoring will foster physical intimacy. Psssst! Don’t tell anyone. It’s a lovely secret, just between the two of you and the Lover of your souls.

For further discussion be ready for October 12! The Maker’s Marriage, all expanded and improved, will be ready for you.

Your Favorite Love Song, Please.

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

Hi,

I’m coming right along with the improved and expanded edition of The Maker’s Marriage (please don’t order from the picture here on the website, as I still haven’t managed to delete it ) and I’m wanting to add beautiful love song suggestions, as music is such a power tool in getting our hearts right, and attuned to love.

So, if you have a favorite love song or songs, or indeed just any favorite beautiful and uplifting music, would you mind sharing via comments, or by simply e-mailing to me at: bevparker@rocketmail.com.

‘I need a song for every chapter (there are thirty something chapters right now) and I don’t want to limit my readers to my tastes only. Also, if you want to include a few lines about why this song is special to you, that might be helpful as well.

Please remember my promise to have this very good (if I do think so, myself) book finished by John’s and my 30th anniversary–October 12, and be ready to buy a copy or several to share.

Thanks very much!

Bev

P.S. If you know how I can delete my current pic of The Maker’s Marriage, I would really appreciate knowing if you can spare a minute or two to share.

Zero for Forty Something?

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

John and I will be 30 years married October 12! I’m thinking I’m going to do something memorable in these days remaining from now until then. Like stop mistreating my body and forget about a thing or two, or 1,000. And another thing (I’ll tell you in a minute).

It’s like this: there are forty something days remaining until October 12 and that seems like a good amount of time to once and for all forget about sugar (and it’s variants). It’s a good amount of time to forget about losing weight and just eat great food such as the soooo good, almost-make-you-cry strawberries, awe-inspiring sun-cracked tomatoes, and best of all, lemon cucumbers–all from a local farm stand. Most and best of all, forty something days are a great time to forget about past grievances, aggravations, and petty stupidities.

What might happen if one wasn’t sick at heart and body because of sugar; if the SIN of unforgivness was repented of and turned from and absolutely refused? One might do something marvelous, like write a marvelous book about a marvelous subject.

I’m going to improve and expand The Maker’s Marriage between now and October 12 (yikes, did I just promise that?). I”m going to take the original edition off this site, and get to work on the new one today. The mind boggles at all the great ideas it has already come up with, and that before I even begin writing.

Be ready! It’s gonna be good.

Think on THESE Things

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

Let’s forget about forgetting about the negatives in the news, and let’s remember to forget the faults–the negatives, of those who matter–of our SIGNIFICANT other(s). Today is the perfect day to begin with our mates and ourselves and seek “like-mindedness” where it counts most–at home.

Division is running amok, rampant throughout the earth. Let us “Just Say No” to divison at home, beginning with saying “No” to finding fault with our mates. This means we look at what’s right, pray about what’s not, and let God have a go (unhindered by our “help”) at healing our beloveds (that includes ourselves).

I’m not talking about revving up our rah-rah engines with some positive confessions and personal improvement strategies, and telling our mates it’s time to get with our program, our GREAT new program! I’m talking about simply taking God at His word via knowing what His word actually says. About us and everyone else we’re given to love. About seeking to see with His eyes.

The Word of God doesn’t say everyone except our mate is fearfully and wonderfully made, to be loved and cherished, forgiven, set free, blessed. We are created to be as our Creator–blessors. We are not to take stock and find others, or ourselves, wanting. The Blood of Jesus took care of that. We must beware of the perversion in extending blessing to everyone on earth except our mate.

There are deep things in all our hearts, things that need healing, things that will never see the light of freedom without the power of God’s love. Anyone can look for and find fault. We are not to be “anyone”. We are to be the champion of our mate’s heart. Let us look at our mates as our first order of Love business, our first call of Love duty. And let us remember that the first order of business in Love, is Loving.

3 Steps, 7 Keys, The Big How-to’s Which Work! Dr. Carol Tanksley Tomorrow!

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

Hi,

I am positively thrilled to share what’s coming up tomorrow morning, Feb 6, at 8:00 am (9:00 Central) on the Homefront Show. I know my guest knows her stuff, and will bless us all.

Dr. Carol Tanksley (www.drcarolministries.com) will be with me for the ENTIRE HOUR!!! tomorrow morning.

Yes, the Homefront Show time is changing from Fridays to Wednesdays.  Wednesday morning at 8:00 am is the new time, and for the first morning show I have asked Dr. Carol to share and she said, “Yes!”

A very gracious lady is the good doctor, and she’s going lift our hearts, and give us answers and directions straight from the Holy Spirit.  It’s what she does.

Join us if you will:  Wednesday, February 6 at 8:00 am Mountain Time.

Thanks!

 

 

Would you just be still?

~ Bev Parker ~ Leave a comment

The question:  Is it perseverance or pig-headedness, initiative or insanity?

The answer:  It depends on whose behavior I’m trying to change, whose revelation I’m trying to get.

yellow birds

The tried but not true way of living is to beat my head against a brick wall, yet again.  Maybe if I phrase it just right, wait for just the right opening, pick my timing – maybe this time that thick-headed soul will see the light!

But this morning I decided I just really didn’t want the resultant inevitable headache of the brick wall encounter.  And so . . . believe it or not . . . I kept still and silent.  When John finally asked me, “What are you thinking?” I didn’t jump at his throat like a hungry piranha.

piranha

How did this miracle occur?  Because I waited and prayed and thought of what truths I knew, beginning with:  Is this love or is this fear?  I know enough to know that when I’m fretting, frustrated, or consumed with some unpleasant thought pattern, I am in fear.

And so, as I thought of what revelations I wanted John to get, I was reminded that I need not fear, that even if John NEVER sees it my way, God is certainly big enough to get around that.  And so, when he asked me what I was thinking, I said, “I’m thinking that even when we make a mistake, it’s not a mistake.”

And then I went to be alone and pray.  I asked God for a specific word, and I opened my Bible up to Jonah.  I got lots out of that story that I never saw before, and I finished with God telling Jonah, in brief, “Don’t you think I know a few things you don’t know, don’t you know you can be wrong even when you’re absolutely sure your way is the only way?”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

In short, “Be still and know that I am God.”

I took that literally.  Sit still.  Don’t move.  Don’t be frustrated with the lie-abouts in your house.  Rather be glad they’re all still abed so you can have time and peace.  Stop trying to change others so God can change you.  So you can be still.  And know.  He is God.

woman sitting in grass